Victoria's Story: Everyday Battle with Major Depressive Disorder

I've been debating sharing my story. A friend of mine shared hers with me and encouraged me to write mine down. She said I would help myself and others.

Well I decided it's worth it, so here it is. 

A few years ago I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and Anxiety. As a result I also suffer with suicidal thoughts and self mutilation. It's an everyday struggle to keep going. 

I have some triggers when it comes to the anxiety but as for the depression it's an everyday thing so nothing really triggers it. I have been going through all of this for 11 years maybe more. It has been the longest time of my life. As for self mutilation (cutting), there are many reasons why I do it. But the main reason is not because I'm trying to kill myself. It is because I feel numb and empty and I would give anything just to feel anything other then that emptiness. Another reason is because of the hate and anger I have towards myself. Everyday I wish I could stop doing it, but in many ways it has saved me from doing something worse. I would not suggest ANYONE to start cutting though. I wish I could have found another way to cope, but I have a therapist and I am learning other ways to cope. I am also on medication, but I am trying to find one that works for me. When it doesn't work you need to try something else and sometimes that can take up to 8 weeks to kick in.

I'm not sharing my story to cause people to worry. I'm posting this so that if anyone out there struggling with this, they can know they are not alone. That they are loved and that you make this world brighter because you are here. Never give up! There is help out there. Take it from someone who is still in the middle of it. I know it's hard. Every day to wake up and get out of bed is a struggle. But even if you get out of bed, get dressed and lie down on the couch, that is something to celebrate. You got up, you tried. You can feel proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!! And if you feel like you can't keep going or you feel that you can't do it for yourself, do it for someone else. 

For me, I have a few people I do it for: my football kids, my friends in Utah and Montreal, my adopted families, and the biggest one of all is the smallest person in my life. Aunty Vicky loves you little one.. always and forever! I want people to know they are alone, Don't feel that no one cares because no matter where you are in this world one person does care...me! Thanks for reading. Feel free to share with your friends, share it with your kids. Start the conversation so we can get rid of the stigma surrounding mental health. There is nothing wrong with being depressed