"Your Daughter has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)"

We suspected our child was different since the beginning but we always thought she just needed more time. 

She hated tummy time and couldn't bear to be on her belly for 20 seconds. 
She would screams as though she was having stabbing pain.  At 9 months old she couldn't sit on her own. 

Started sitting on her own at 11 months

Playing at 15 months. Unable to pull to stand,

She never could pull up to stand and we always blamed ourselves for not enough tummy time. I always compared her to other children, because something didn't seem right. She made babbling  sounds around the age of one and would eventually say mumumum, dondee around 18 months. She was a very quiet baby unless she was crying. She would just stare at us and sometimes give an unsure smile. 
 At every doctor appointment we were told she has a Global Delay. I wasn't sure what that meant. At one point we thought she was deaf because she never responded to us. But the Audiology tests came back fine. During this time she learned about 5 words and then would never use them again. This is called language regression. She use to scoot on her bottom and would use her heels to spin herself. She would spin and spin and spin and spin and never get dizzy. She did this many times a day. She stacks and lines up almost everything.

Scooting on her bum at 16 months. Still no words.

Practicing her steps at 22 months

She always takes our hand to bring her for what she wants,  she can't tell us what she needs, or what she wants. She can't even tell us if she is hungry. She has many meltdowns because she is so frustrated she can't communicate her needs. Some mornings this can happen 5-6 times before 9am. She will bang her head on the floor, run into the wall and throw her self on the floor. She enjoys playing in her own bubble. Eye contact is minimum but better, and she can't jump or do stairs on her own. Often she screams very high pitched and for a long time. Eventually, she gave her first steps at 22 months and started to walk. She spins standing now that she can walk. If there is a switch in the schedule, there will be a meltdown. If bedtime is not done a certain way then she will leave her room and we need to start again. She never finishes a task and switches in the middle of play. She wants to be fed most times. She is scared of loud sounds like running bath water and radio static.

 So this is just some of it, but everyone told us up until two weeks ago that she just needs more time.  After all, she is only 2 and half years old. 
We were told every child has meltdowns, so it is okay. 

As for me, I thought I was going crazy. I thought there is something else going on here. People would argue with me and tell me she just needs time and some kind of natural remedy. It seems when something different is happening, people start to panic and say everything except for what could be possible. Except for our toddler's team of doctors...

December 7th, 2016

We drop off our baby at a friends home and head to the Montreal Children's Hospital. We have been waiting for this assessment for almost a year! I thought it was 3 months, but I just didn't realize how fast the time went by. As I am sitting in the car I am just hoping our daughter can handle all the doctors and not meltdown for them. We arrive at the Montreal Children's Hospital and the team of doctors are so nice. 

We go into a room and they start assessing her one at a time while the other professionals watch behind a mirrored window. The whole 4 hour session is recorded. Each doctor takes turns, but that is not without meltdowns. Then we try to head for the gym to do some stairs, with the change of environment, our daughter's brain can't handle it anymore. She screams and cries and falls to the floor in front of all the people in the waiting room. 
I pick her up and bring her to the Physiotherapy area, but her meltdown lasts about 15-20 minutes and we are unable to do anything physical. We return back to the room. I fill out forms and they give me a book FULL of words and I'm to check off the words she says without repeating..  10..11..12..13..14...15 words.. That's about it. Most of which she's stop saying recently. I express that.

December 14th, 2016.

We arrive at the Montreal Children's Hospital after dropping both of our children off at a friends. I am SO nervous and picking my fingers all the way there. I chew 5 pieces of gum and keep quiet the whole way there. It doesn't matter what they say could be going on with her, we will love her for who she is, our sweet daughter.

I hit the elevator button and we head upstairs and register. As we sit down I see all the signs on the wall.  Physiotherapy, Feeding, Autism, etc. Within 5 minutes the doctor comes for us. She asks how we feel and I say, "NERVOUS!" She understands.

As we sit down in the room we look at each other and she says, "I'm not going to beat around the bush, your daughter has Autism. Spectrum Disorder (ASD)." I am grateful for her being direct as I'm dying for answers. All I hear after that is, "aisfasjfk fhasifjas fjsakfhsai fj ajfasfhasfjka gfsafisa nsaf hsaifj safnidsauf adsf..............................................." I feel like something fell on me. Then I force myself to listen for the benefit of my daughter. They give us Summary of Recommendations with all the information we talked about.

• Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), as evidenced by:
• Difficulties with social communication and interaction. 
• Repetitive play and behaviour, behavioural inflexibility, and strong sensory likes and dislikes.
• Significant communication impairment
• Motor difficulties: significant delay in gross motor skills, delays in perceptual-motor skills and delays in self-care skills
• Feeding difficulties, manifesting as selectivity and refusal to self-feed
• Pronounced lumbar lordosis

We then talk about her strengths:

• Able to engage in verbal and motor imitation during social situations, which are stepping stones for communication and learning.
• She can collaborate nicely when she is calm and interested in an activity.
• She demonstrates good pretend play skills, which is a positive sign for continual development.
• She has made steady progress in her ability to tolerate new situations and environments.
•  She has a special affinity for music, which is a medium she greatly enjoys.

I told the doctor, "I knew I wasn't going crazy!!  She asks my husband some questions about how he feels and we ask and answer and ask more questions. We ask about the mild, moderate and severe but in the US and Canada they have gone away from that. They don't use mild, moderate or severe anymore. 

http://www.mira.ca/en/our-dogs/8/breeding_35.html

Then we talk about recommendations.

We talked about a service dog for her from the Mira Foundation. Which we will apply for in January when all the paper work comes in the mail from the 4 different specialists. 

I will mention some of what is available for our daughter just in case another family could benefit from the information for their child. 

CLSC social worker, Readaptation Center aka CRDI (1 yr waitlist), Speech Pathologist Home Program, Feeding Program, and financial resources such as the Supplement for Handicapped Children from the Regie des rentes du Quebec, Disability Tax Credit from the CRA, and for private grants from the President's Choice Children's Charity. A CPE day care found for us by the CLSC to enrich her socialization, paid for by the allowance for the intergration of a handicapped child. Once at school she would have an Individualized Education Plan for a specialised class or a teachers aide in a regular classroom. There are also special schools. Cognitive assessment at 7-8 years old to clarify her strengths and difficulties. There are also ASD centers in Montreal that offer private behavioural therapy. They gave us a list of books and online resources also.

For myself, I felt scared, nervous, overwhelmed, sad, in denial, frustrated, anger, and everything you can feel over the last week. My PPD gave me two days to process the news before hitting me again, but my wonderful husband was there to help. My children are such a joy in my life and we will love and serve and help them the best we can. Our friends and family on social media have made a huge difference in my life. The love and support has been so amazing that I have cried tears of joy. I am blessed to have so many angels around our family. It is hard but it will be okay.

Storms after the Rainbows

Some days are so good I think maybe the depression is gone and maybe I can get off the medication, and then out of nowhere, I am in a downward spiral.

Last week my husband and I were talking and then suddenly my heart started to feel heavy. Did we hit a trigger? Did my broken brain decide to make another crack in it that second? This is still new to me so I wasn't sure what was happening. Right away, I turned around and kneeled down. I offered a prayer to my Heavenly Father asking Him to take the heavy feeling out of my chest. 

Slowly I was sinking. My chest got heavier and heavier and eventually all my energy left my body. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I went to lay down in the bed and began crying hysterically. I felt like my whole body was in pain and I went into fetal position. I couldn't help it. It happened so fast. I had drowned in my depression and when I was crying so hard, I had the thought that I wish this wasn't real. People experience what I just experienced and it's not something that you can fake. Who could ever want to fake that? 

I was wishing I could say I was faking for attention. But this was real! My husband came to me and asked why I was crying so hard. Then he realized the depression had taken over my mind and body.

He asked me to sit up to see if I would feel better. After saying many times I didn't want to move, I forced myself to sit up.

I cried to him that I wanted to die. It was better to die then to feel like this.

In these moments we forget that we were once happy and we forget that happiness will ever come again. I can't imagine what it is like for my husband to look in my eyes and hear me say I want to die. Then he hugged me and I could barely hold myself up.

Then he put my head in his hands and said, "honey, it's the depression. I know you feel heavy. I love you...."

I had drowned in my depression and I told my husband I didn't want to live. I can't imagine how hard that would be on him. I couldn't control my feelings of brokenness or the headaches and heaviness. 

When I am in that state of mind, I forget my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and my children don't enter my mind. I can't control it. It's not my fault. I am not crazy. I have a mental illness, but it doesn't define who I am. I am a daughter of God and He loves me with or without my mental illness. My Heavenly Father wasn't absent to my uttered prayer. He sent my husband, family and friends to be His hands. 

My husband picked me up off the floor I ended up on. He carried me down the hallway to our baby and asked me to hold her. My eyes were bursting at the seams with tears, but I could make out her face through the tears. Her huge eyes brought a little smile to my face and slowly I was becoming calm. My husband feels the worse thing to do is to let me stay in bed.
He really does try his best and he loves me. ♥ Good days do come afterwards. Hold on while you are in your bad days and surround yourself with helpful and supportive people.

A few days later a friend wrote me this message that reassured me and gave me some answers. I feel that it's very important to share in case it's also helpful to someone else.

"I need to say I admire your courage and strength in the face of your illness. I really want to stress that this is a medical condition, like diabetes, for example. Like any chronic illness, knowing what you're dealing with and when to expect symptoms to get worse (or better) is part of the journey. The hard thing is that it's affecting your mind, so it's not always easy to tell what's the illness and what's not. Encourage your husband and those around you to remind you that the depression can take over talking and thinking for you, and that these horrible feelings are not permanent - they have come and gone before, and they will come and go again. Of course the feelings will show up, that's part of the illness, but by externalizing it ( It's not the real me, it's the Depression talking) and by talking back to it (I hear you, Depression, but I have evidence my husband loves me) and by writing down daily the things you are grateful for (even if it's only 3 things - the sun rose today, I ate an orange, my daughter smiled) you work on making your symptoms easier to live with. "


To make your symptoms easier to live with, what three things are you grateful for? 
1. _________________________
2._________________________
3._________________________

Eating Disorder Survivor: Another form of Mental Illness.

Two weeks ago I was up at 5am which is too early for me. I couldn't stop thinking and finally I gave up on sleep and got out of bed. "Okay, Heavenly Father you got me up. I'll go write my thoughts down."

My blog is a place to open up without being judged. Currently I am writing about my journey now as I go through postpartum depression. This post is about another mental illness I had to deal with. It's taken me two weeks to finally post it. Someone told me maybe I should keep it to myself, so I knew I had to share. There is always a stigma surrounding any mental illness, which needs to stop.

"Eating disorders are not a lifestyle choice. Eating disorders are actually real, complex medical and psychiatric illnesses that can have serious consequences for health, productivity and relationships." - National Institute of Mental Health
                                                   Eating Disorders are another form of mental illness, not a choice

I am an eating disorder survivor.  I can say that now because I've learned that hiding doesn't help anyone who may be going through it. 

At 13 years old I developed an eating disorder and I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa with anorexia nervosa tendencies.  Like intrusive thoughts with depression, eating disorders also come with their own set of intrusive thoughts about weight gain, being fat or unfit. This causes a great amount of anxiety and compulsions like exercising, restricting, or vomiting which seem to reduce that anxiety. 

Intrusive thoughts come in having this mental illness. They are uncontrollable and learning how to turn that thought into the real truth, is hard.  When you eat anything(even an egg), your intrusive thoughts tell you that you're going to gain 5 pounds from that. Then you start to feel guilty and look for ways to get rid of that food you ate!  It's not possible to gain 5 pounds from an egg, but your brain doesn't let you see the truth. It's an awful cycle. 

This was a trial that would take me 7 years to recover from. I didn't see my body as anything beautiful. If I wasn't making myself sick after every meal I was barely eating at all. My body felt awful. It was suffering. How awful to think of that now! I didn't have very much energy. Not having the proper nutrients and food in my body naturally made me more impatient, especially with my mom. 

I was bullied really bad in high school. I believed everything my bullies said about me and the eating disorders intrusive thoughts made it worse. Whether the people at school taunted me for my nose, or my hair, or the other many things. I started to hate myself as much as they seemed to hate me. Maybe they were joking, but at the time they helped in ruining my self esteem. I was so insecure. I hated going to the cafeteria. I hated going to get breakfast because someone always said something mean when I walked by. I hated going to school every single day. I dreaded the bell for breaks or lunchtime. I was even scared to walk to all my classes and avoided looking at people. There were groups on my school bus and in the hallways that never failed to taunt me. Eventually I believed all that they said I was and everything they said about me was true. I did have my group of friends, but most days I would try to spend lunches in the library to avoid being attacked by words. It was hard.

 I joined boxing to help with the anger I felt towards those that bullied me and since then I have been able to forgive them.

I hid everything from my parents, but my little sister knew because she heard me. (She never told me until  years later).  The only reason my mother finally found out was because I wrote a note to a friend, and I dropped it in the school hallway. That note was then given to the guidance counselor who called my mother. When I got home from school that day there was an intervention. I still remember sitting on the blue stairs and seeing how worried my mom was. 

After I was diagnosed, I was in therapy every Wednesday at school. There were no treatment centers in my town. There were 4 other girls in my therapy group and we all had an eating disorder. 

Life is hard but we can not judge the trials people experience.

After those many years and being baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have learned so much. Recieving my patriarchal blessing helped a lot and it also talked about my eating disorder and how to cope. Now there are so many resources.
I am a daughter of God.  I know I have overcome that trial with the help of so many and by trying over and over to succeed. Even if my brain felt broken. 

I gained 75 pounds with both of my pregnancies and it didn't bother me. I try to lose it afterwards by eating good foods and if I feel like it, YouTube exercise videos.

 If you are going through that now, don't keep quiet about it. This is not an attention seeking, "how could you do that? Me, I love food", situation. It is much deeper. It is a mental illness and you need help. I want you to live and feel beautiful again.

As for bullying, Dieter F. Uchtdorf counsels us that when it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm—stop it!

What I've learned from that experience:

*An eating disorder is another form of mental illness, not a lifestyle choice.

*Mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you.

*The only opinion that matters is what Heavenly Father thinks of me.

*It can happen to boys or girls, men or women at any age.

*It's not worth it.

*Even if I feel hurtful things are happening out of my control.. not eating hurts worse. 

*Our bodies are a precious gift to take care of.

*I know I am loved and that was a painful part of my past that I will never go back to.