Postpartum Depression is hard on Marriages.

Any mental illness is hard on marriages or any relationship. This week has been really hard. I have so many panic attacks and it's something that we just realized was going on. I thought I was just being really impatient. Postpartum Depression is one of the greatest, hardest learning experiences of my life. I also have anxiety which I am on medication for both.
I need to learn how to take care of my marriage as PPD causes a roller coaster of emotions in me.  We are not an angry family. My husband never yells at me. Some people tell me that fighting is normal in relationships but that hasn't been my experience. Our children are used to a quiet home. As much as I hate to admit it this PPD experience makes me really mad at my husband for no reason. Before I was diagnosed I would always pray and ask the Lord to take my anger away. I felt so much guilt and like the worse wife ever. This is a really hard time in our marriage. I know it's hard for my husband and we are trying to learn together. Postpartum depression can be very confusing for a couple to try and get through. One day I am okay and I'm smiling and the next day I don't want to get out of bed. I want to cry all day. I feel hopeless, unfixable, and broken. I question the medications effectiveness. I wonder when the suffering will end. I am in the beginning of PPD and I know you can't compare someones beginning of the experience with someones middle or end of depression.

You would never know it by looking at this picture of me. But going outside is a trigger. Supermom's who have it all together and stress are also triggers. Going out causes panic attacks. Lately, the task of simply getting a toddler and baby ready, bottles, snacks, myself, the diaper bag, etc are overwhelming to me. I start getting ready one hour or more before going outside and I panic the whole time. It's bad. One time my husband had to hold me and stop me. I didn't even realize what was happening to me.

 Postpartum Depression is hard on marriages. Sometimes we take things personal. Sometimes I think I have a monster in my brain and I don't know when my bad days will happen. When they do my heart feels like it's hanging by a thread, where I just want to give up life so my husband doesn't need to deal with me. 

A couple days ago we went to the Temple. My husband was in a session and I was in the family room with the children until he was done. I was just craving some answers on how to be a better wife while going through this postpartum experience. I found one of the Church's Ensign magazines and opened to an article from a lady who had cancer. As I read I felt like she understood how I was feeling. She said, "I need to remember more than my temporal self, my husband loves my soul, and this helps as I strive to love him with all my heart. We didn't make vows "until death do us part". We are partners for eternity. If we are commited and converted to keeping the promises we made in the Temple, we will be strengthened to get through any trial."

She also says, "I may have cancer but I've never experienced divorce, the death of a child, the death of a parent and other trials that affect man. We are in no position to judge others in their trials and sufferings. Not one persons' story is just like mine-not their strengths or weaknesses. We all have different trials. This life is one of testing but the test is different for all of us." (Ensign Aug 2016. Pg 58. Cancer, courage, and conversion)

Wow I thought!  This life is one of testing but the test is different for all of us. I may have postpartum depression but I've never experienced many other trials that affect other people. This is my current trial and I am trying to learn and grow even though it is a very hard time for me. My husband is here in the good and bad because he loves me.

My hope for other couples who have a husband or wife with any type of mental illness is that they will do their research! When they see their spouse act out that before getting offended they will go do their research online or ask someone who has been there.

Examples:
"My wife has anxiety. How can I help her to be less stressed out?"
"My husband has _____. And he says things like ______ . What do I do?"
My wife has depression and says I dont understand. How can I understand?"

No one is alone. Not crazy. We are each in a hard learning experience whether it's depression or something else. We shouldn't judge the trial God gives each different person.