Seven Months Later...

Some women get hit with postpartum depression one month after giving birth, but it can happen 7, 8, 18 months later and on. It can ruin marriages because sometimes it doesn't seem like PPD. For some it can last 6 months and some 2+ years. I've met women in all those cases. Just because it doesn't last as long as others DOES NOT mean it's not equally severe. They are all severe. There is no comparing. This is no one's fault. One huge difference between baby blues and PPD are suicidal thoughts. They are scary and come from no where. That's why it's so important to be open and honest with those around you.

Some big things have happened in the last seven months since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression:

*My husband went back to work after 6 months of leave.
*Paid off my student loans.
*Toddler was diagnosed with Autism.
*I lost 60 pounds with hard work.
*I developed a connection with my baby.


I still have some hard days but they are weeks and weeks apart instead of every one to three days. I've learned that anxiety attacks are a symptom of postpartum depression and not a whole other thing. About three weeks ago,  I had one of those days and had a wicked 30 min anxiety attack where my heart was beating so fast, crying so hard, body felt in pain and I struggled to write a few friends to get to my place ASAP and help. One friend showed up and it really took me a few hours to come back down. She watched my children as I showered, we decorated cookies together, she really was an angel sent to me that day. It was a really exhausting experience.. but they happen further and further apart. 

I speak boldly because I don't believe in sugarcoating something that has taken the lives of parents and children. I don't use the word "hell" lightly, but postpartum depression really is that. It is a miracle to survive the experience and it is not without all kinds of intervention.

 A friend described it as such, "It literally is hell isn't it, it's like your mind and body don't belong to you, all happiness, normality and logical thinking go out the window and you're left in so much emotional pain that you can't see how you'll manage another minute. It is so incredibly hard."
The doctors, resources, medication, people and new friends sent in my path, old friends and family who just loved me anyway and who have helped me start the upward climb out of my broken brain. My Heavenly Father and Savior and General Conference talks have helped a lot. My brain doesn't feel so broken anymore and now I am finally starting to believe the people who said it would get better. I honestly didn't believe anyone who told me that it would get better. I didn't like to hear it because I just thought they didn't understand. But they were right, I am feeling much better than at the beginning. 

I use to yearn for the woman I was before this experience happened to me and I am learning that I might never become that woman again, but that is okay. There are things I've learned that I never would have learned.
I am so grateful I started to feel like not being in bed all day before my toddler was diagnosed with Autism. I was really able to focus on her.


Some things I've learned lately:
Just because people say to me, "oh she doesn't look autistic or she doesn't look like she has postpartum depression", doesn't mean it's not there. When you know what to look for, you can see it. Educating yourself of any diagnosis is one of the keys to understanding.
We don't need to compare ourselves to other parents and everyone can do difficult things! 
It's been a joy to see my children interact together. I love seeing how much they love me. I have a soft spot and an intense amount of compassion for other people who have PPD. Postpartum can happen to men and I've seen it.

We shouldn't compare someones beginning of the experience with someones middle or end of the experience, because it's different for everyone.

Some of you reading probably were like me and didn't believe it ... but WITH HELP, counselling, sometimes medication, etc ... you will start to feel better. Don't try to suffer through it alone.

Dear Anxiety, why I dislike and like you.

Dear Anxiety, 

I first discovered who you were when I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

I realize you have been there for a long time.
When I started taking medication for PPD there was something in there for you. 
You calmed right down. You lost most of your power, but it's the trying to manage you that will hopefully be the death of you.

You have used every pinch of stress against me. 

I have felt like I was the most impatient person to walk the earth, because of you. 
I have felt like such an awful mother, wife, and friend, because of you.

I have sent many prayers up to my Heavenly Father asking him to change what I thought was me, but was you, because of you.
I have beaten myself up more times than I can count, because of you.

Then I met your partner anxiety attacks...

You usually come visit me before I am about to go out anywhere like, shopping, Church, appointments, before cleaning, organizing, etc.

Anxiety attacks you have proven to me that it takes minimum 2 hours to get ready to go out.  (No, I don't mean two hours on getting myself ready).

Even if we get the diaper bag ready the night before, the children's, husband and my clothes, and the food ready the day before, you still slow me down. You stay the whole time and even hours afterwards. It is usually in the car that I start to recover. Car rides are usually quiet so I can relax. I don't avoid going outside because sometimes you come, I will over come this one day! Practice, practice, practice managing you.

While having an anxiety attack I feel like I am doing everything super fast.
 I sweat,
 I feel hot,
 and I feel like I am getting a lot of things done.
 In fact, I am moving super slow.

 At times, you have caused a lot of tension in our home and sometimes my husband needs to stop me and remind me that you are here. If he doesn't, you stay far too long. Sometimes you have power for hours. When my 2.5 year old daughter was diagnosed with Autism last month. You were surprisingly calm for awhile. My friends and family were a huge help of love and support and still are. The worries and fears that come with that kind of diagnosis are normal. I cried and cried and tried to get through the stages of emotion quickly so that I could be there for my daughter. It was then, that I saw what healthy stress was, and the stress that comes from you.
Sometimes I dislike you for how you make me feel physically and emotionally. Also, my husband does a lot to help, but you lurking here, doesn't give him as much credit as he deserves.

When I remember you are here, you lose your power. You don't receive credit for any effect you have on me. I am learning to manage you. You will be managed and I can be happy with or without you.

Even though life is hard when you are here, I do like you too. Why?

What I like about the both of you:

Without you, I would NEVER be able to understand anyone else who suffers from anxiety and anxiety attacks.

• You have taught me about myself.
• I've learned how real mental illness is. This is real.
• I've learned that I can diffuse your power.
• I've learned that you are manageable.
• I am not alone.
• I am loved with or without you.
• I have learned once again that I can ask my Heavenly Father for help with anything tiny or big!



https://www.pinterest.com/explore/anxiety-attacks-symptoms/

• Anything that is a big deal to me, is a big deal to God. 

You HAVE HELPED ME SEE HOW BIG MY BRAVE IS!!

Bad Day NOT a Bad Mom

"You're such a bad mother. Come on, other parents do this and some have more children than you. 

Some parents have children with worse special needs.

Everyone's children get colds and the flu, pull it together.

Why are you crying?

Your baby just had a blow out and you cut off her clothes and throw them out. Why can't you be more patient like other parents and carefully take them off and wash them.

Why does the constant need to wipe the nose of both your children overwhelm you? Your husband is going to be off paternity leave in February and you can't even handle the day without him. What are you going to do THEN?

Wow! You shouldn't have any more children.

Why are you crying? Your baby is looking at you.

Why does the sound of your baby crying after a 2 minute nap for the 50th time today frustrate you? Go clean her nose and snuggle her like other parents do.

Why do the screams of your Autistic child make you feel the way you do? 

Now you are alone crying on your pillow. Your children need you, forget yourself and attend to them.

You are soak and wet, dirty, sweaty, wearing your husbands clothes and didn't cook dinner.. wow! he's going to be so disappointed in you when he gets home. You didn't even comb your hair or brush your teeth yet and it's 4pm. Other mothers do it, why can't you?

Don't even think about asking a friend for help. Look at you. Yuck! 

If you talk about it, people are going to agree and tell you to get it together.

You are a disappointment.

Why did you ever think you were wife or mother material?

You know, it is easier not to live..........."                        LIES, LIES, LIES!

http://www.thefreshquotes.com/cancer-quotes-world-cancer-day/

These are the thoughts that have invaded my brain today and made me cry and cry some more.  I write about it because helps me see which thoughts are lies and truth. 

What I've learned:

• We all have different stress levels and we need to be sensitive to the stress levels of others.
• My children chose me as their mother.
• Raising a child with special needs makes a family special.
• Through my daughters Autism diagnosis I have learned who my true friends and family are.
•  I have a plate that I can handle.
• There is no need to compare with other parents. 
• We are not given more than we can handle, but when we feel we can't handle anything, that's where our loved ones come in: BUT you GO to the hospital when you feel you can't control your brain anymore. 

This is what my postpartum depression does to me. When intrusive thoughts come, a friend told me to add, "..but I am loved."
I know that I am loved but my broken brain makes me forget that sometimes.

 I am not a perfect wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, etc but I am trying my best and I love my husband, my children, family and friends.

I also love my online support groups with other Special Needs, Autism Spectrum Disorder(ASD) parents, other mothers suffering with PPD, anxiety and mothers with new babies. I can ask them anything and we can laugh and cry together while discussing our own children. I found these resources of help for myself through facebook by typing in Autism or something else in the facebook search engine and joining groups. It has been another source of help. 
Anyone can do it and you should if you feel alone. Seek all the help you can! You are not alone!

"Your Daughter has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)"

We suspected our child was different since the beginning but we always thought she just needed more time. 

She hated tummy time and couldn't bear to be on her belly for 20 seconds. 
She would screams as though she was having stabbing pain.  At 9 months old she couldn't sit on her own. 

Started sitting on her own at 11 months

Playing at 15 months. Unable to pull to stand,

She never could pull up to stand and we always blamed ourselves for not enough tummy time. I always compared her to other children, because something didn't seem right. She made babbling  sounds around the age of one and would eventually say mumumum, dondee around 18 months. She was a very quiet baby unless she was crying. She would just stare at us and sometimes give an unsure smile. 
 At every doctor appointment we were told she has a Global Delay. I wasn't sure what that meant. At one point we thought she was deaf because she never responded to us. But the Audiology tests came back fine. During this time she learned about 5 words and then would never use them again. This is called language regression. She use to scoot on her bottom and would use her heels to spin herself. She would spin and spin and spin and spin and never get dizzy. She did this many times a day. She stacks and lines up almost everything.

Scooting on her bum at 16 months. Still no words.

Practicing her steps at 22 months

She always takes our hand to bring her for what she wants,  she can't tell us what she needs, or what she wants. She can't even tell us if she is hungry. She has many meltdowns because she is so frustrated she can't communicate her needs. Some mornings this can happen 5-6 times before 9am. She will bang her head on the floor, run into the wall and throw her self on the floor. She enjoys playing in her own bubble. Eye contact is minimum but better, and she can't jump or do stairs on her own. Often she screams very high pitched and for a long time. Eventually, she gave her first steps at 22 months and started to walk. She spins standing now that she can walk. If there is a switch in the schedule, there will be a meltdown. If bedtime is not done a certain way then she will leave her room and we need to start again. She never finishes a task and switches in the middle of play. She wants to be fed most times. She is scared of loud sounds like running bath water and radio static.

 So this is just some of it, but everyone told us up until two weeks ago that she just needs more time.  After all, she is only 2 and half years old. 
We were told every child has meltdowns, so it is okay. 

As for me, I thought I was going crazy. I thought there is something else going on here. People would argue with me and tell me she just needs time and some kind of natural remedy. It seems when something different is happening, people start to panic and say everything except for what could be possible. Except for our toddler's team of doctors...

December 7th, 2016

We drop off our baby at a friends home and head to the Montreal Children's Hospital. We have been waiting for this assessment for almost a year! I thought it was 3 months, but I just didn't realize how fast the time went by. As I am sitting in the car I am just hoping our daughter can handle all the doctors and not meltdown for them. We arrive at the Montreal Children's Hospital and the team of doctors are so nice. 

We go into a room and they start assessing her one at a time while the other professionals watch behind a mirrored window. The whole 4 hour session is recorded. Each doctor takes turns, but that is not without meltdowns. Then we try to head for the gym to do some stairs, with the change of environment, our daughter's brain can't handle it anymore. She screams and cries and falls to the floor in front of all the people in the waiting room. 
I pick her up and bring her to the Physiotherapy area, but her meltdown lasts about 15-20 minutes and we are unable to do anything physical. We return back to the room. I fill out forms and they give me a book FULL of words and I'm to check off the words she says without repeating..  10..11..12..13..14...15 words.. That's about it. Most of which she's stop saying recently. I express that.

December 14th, 2016.

We arrive at the Montreal Children's Hospital after dropping both of our children off at a friends. I am SO nervous and picking my fingers all the way there. I chew 5 pieces of gum and keep quiet the whole way there. It doesn't matter what they say could be going on with her, we will love her for who she is, our sweet daughter.

I hit the elevator button and we head upstairs and register. As we sit down I see all the signs on the wall.  Physiotherapy, Feeding, Autism, etc. Within 5 minutes the doctor comes for us. She asks how we feel and I say, "NERVOUS!" She understands.

As we sit down in the room we look at each other and she says, "I'm not going to beat around the bush, your daughter has Autism. Spectrum Disorder (ASD)." I am grateful for her being direct as I'm dying for answers. All I hear after that is, "aisfasjfk fhasifjas fjsakfhsai fj ajfasfhasfjka gfsafisa nsaf hsaifj safnidsauf adsf..............................................." I feel like something fell on me. Then I force myself to listen for the benefit of my daughter. They give us Summary of Recommendations with all the information we talked about.

• Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), as evidenced by:
• Difficulties with social communication and interaction. 
• Repetitive play and behaviour, behavioural inflexibility, and strong sensory likes and dislikes.
• Significant communication impairment
• Motor difficulties: significant delay in gross motor skills, delays in perceptual-motor skills and delays in self-care skills
• Feeding difficulties, manifesting as selectivity and refusal to self-feed
• Pronounced lumbar lordosis

We then talk about her strengths:

• Able to engage in verbal and motor imitation during social situations, which are stepping stones for communication and learning.
• She can collaborate nicely when she is calm and interested in an activity.
• She demonstrates good pretend play skills, which is a positive sign for continual development.
• She has made steady progress in her ability to tolerate new situations and environments.
•  She has a special affinity for music, which is a medium she greatly enjoys.

I told the doctor, "I knew I wasn't going crazy!!  She asks my husband some questions about how he feels and we ask and answer and ask more questions. We ask about the mild, moderate and severe but in the US and Canada they have gone away from that. They don't use mild, moderate or severe anymore. 

http://www.mira.ca/en/our-dogs/8/breeding_35.html

Then we talk about recommendations.

We talked about a service dog for her from the Mira Foundation. Which we will apply for in January when all the paper work comes in the mail from the 4 different specialists. 

I will mention some of what is available for our daughter just in case another family could benefit from the information for their child. 

CLSC social worker, Readaptation Center aka CRDI (1 yr waitlist), Speech Pathologist Home Program, Feeding Program, and financial resources such as the Supplement for Handicapped Children from the Regie des rentes du Quebec, Disability Tax Credit from the CRA, and for private grants from the President's Choice Children's Charity. A CPE day care found for us by the CLSC to enrich her socialization, paid for by the allowance for the intergration of a handicapped child. Once at school she would have an Individualized Education Plan for a specialised class or a teachers aide in a regular classroom. There are also special schools. Cognitive assessment at 7-8 years old to clarify her strengths and difficulties. There are also ASD centers in Montreal that offer private behavioural therapy. They gave us a list of books and online resources also.

For myself, I felt scared, nervous, overwhelmed, sad, in denial, frustrated, anger, and everything you can feel over the last week. My PPD gave me two days to process the news before hitting me again, but my wonderful husband was there to help. My children are such a joy in my life and we will love and serve and help them the best we can. Our friends and family on social media have made a huge difference in my life. The love and support has been so amazing that I have cried tears of joy. I am blessed to have so many angels around our family. It is hard but it will be okay.

Storms after the Rainbows

Some days are so good I think maybe the depression is gone and maybe I can get off the medication, and then out of nowhere, I am in a downward spiral.

Last week my husband and I were talking and then suddenly my heart started to feel heavy. Did we hit a trigger? Did my broken brain decide to make another crack in it that second? This is still new to me so I wasn't sure what was happening. Right away, I turned around and kneeled down. I offered a prayer to my Heavenly Father asking Him to take the heavy feeling out of my chest. 

Slowly I was sinking. My chest got heavier and heavier and eventually all my energy left my body. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I went to lay down in the bed and began crying hysterically. I felt like my whole body was in pain and I went into fetal position. I couldn't help it. It happened so fast. I had drowned in my depression and when I was crying so hard, I had the thought that I wish this wasn't real. People experience what I just experienced and it's not something that you can fake. Who could ever want to fake that? 

I was wishing I could say I was faking for attention. But this was real! My husband came to me and asked why I was crying so hard. Then he realized the depression had taken over my mind and body.

He asked me to sit up to see if I would feel better. After saying many times I didn't want to move, I forced myself to sit up.

I cried to him that I wanted to die. It was better to die then to feel like this.

In these moments we forget that we were once happy and we forget that happiness will ever come again. I can't imagine what it is like for my husband to look in my eyes and hear me say I want to die. Then he hugged me and I could barely hold myself up.

Then he put my head in his hands and said, "honey, it's the depression. I know you feel heavy. I love you...."

I had drowned in my depression and I told my husband I didn't want to live. I can't imagine how hard that would be on him. I couldn't control my feelings of brokenness or the headaches and heaviness. 

When I am in that state of mind, I forget my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and my children don't enter my mind. I can't control it. It's not my fault. I am not crazy. I have a mental illness, but it doesn't define who I am. I am a daughter of God and He loves me with or without my mental illness. My Heavenly Father wasn't absent to my uttered prayer. He sent my husband, family and friends to be His hands. 

My husband picked me up off the floor I ended up on. He carried me down the hallway to our baby and asked me to hold her. My eyes were bursting at the seams with tears, but I could make out her face through the tears. Her huge eyes brought a little smile to my face and slowly I was becoming calm. My husband feels the worse thing to do is to let me stay in bed.
He really does try his best and he loves me. ♥ Good days do come afterwards. Hold on while you are in your bad days and surround yourself with helpful and supportive people.

A few days later a friend wrote me this message that reassured me and gave me some answers. I feel that it's very important to share in case it's also helpful to someone else.

"I need to say I admire your courage and strength in the face of your illness. I really want to stress that this is a medical condition, like diabetes, for example. Like any chronic illness, knowing what you're dealing with and when to expect symptoms to get worse (or better) is part of the journey. The hard thing is that it's affecting your mind, so it's not always easy to tell what's the illness and what's not. Encourage your husband and those around you to remind you that the depression can take over talking and thinking for you, and that these horrible feelings are not permanent - they have come and gone before, and they will come and go again. Of course the feelings will show up, that's part of the illness, but by externalizing it ( It's not the real me, it's the Depression talking) and by talking back to it (I hear you, Depression, but I have evidence my husband loves me) and by writing down daily the things you are grateful for (even if it's only 3 things - the sun rose today, I ate an orange, my daughter smiled) you work on making your symptoms easier to live with. "


To make your symptoms easier to live with, what three things are you grateful for? 
1. _________________________
2._________________________
3._________________________

Eating Disorder Survivor: Another form of Mental Illness.

Two weeks ago I was up at 5am which is too early for me. I couldn't stop thinking and finally I gave up on sleep and got out of bed. "Okay, Heavenly Father you got me up. I'll go write my thoughts down."

My blog is a place to open up without being judged. Currently I am writing about my journey now as I go through postpartum depression. This post is about another mental illness I had to deal with. It's taken me two weeks to finally post it. Someone told me maybe I should keep it to myself, so I knew I had to share. There is always a stigma surrounding any mental illness, which needs to stop.

"Eating disorders are not a lifestyle choice. Eating disorders are actually real, complex medical and psychiatric illnesses that can have serious consequences for health, productivity and relationships." - National Institute of Mental Health
                                                   Eating Disorders are another form of mental illness, not a choice

I am an eating disorder survivor.  I can say that now because I've learned that hiding doesn't help anyone who may be going through it. 

At 13 years old I developed an eating disorder and I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa with anorexia nervosa tendencies.  Like intrusive thoughts with depression, eating disorders also come with their own set of intrusive thoughts about weight gain, being fat or unfit. This causes a great amount of anxiety and compulsions like exercising, restricting, or vomiting which seem to reduce that anxiety. 

Intrusive thoughts come in having this mental illness. They are uncontrollable and learning how to turn that thought into the real truth, is hard.  When you eat anything(even an egg), your intrusive thoughts tell you that you're going to gain 5 pounds from that. Then you start to feel guilty and look for ways to get rid of that food you ate!  It's not possible to gain 5 pounds from an egg, but your brain doesn't let you see the truth. It's an awful cycle. 

This was a trial that would take me 7 years to recover from. I didn't see my body as anything beautiful. If I wasn't making myself sick after every meal I was barely eating at all. My body felt awful. It was suffering. How awful to think of that now! I didn't have very much energy. Not having the proper nutrients and food in my body naturally made me more impatient, especially with my mom. 

I was bullied really bad in high school. I believed everything my bullies said about me and the eating disorders intrusive thoughts made it worse. Whether the people at school taunted me for my nose, or my hair, or the other many things. I started to hate myself as much as they seemed to hate me. Maybe they were joking, but at the time they helped in ruining my self esteem. I was so insecure. I hated going to the cafeteria. I hated going to get breakfast because someone always said something mean when I walked by. I hated going to school every single day. I dreaded the bell for breaks or lunchtime. I was even scared to walk to all my classes and avoided looking at people. There were groups on my school bus and in the hallways that never failed to taunt me. Eventually I believed all that they said I was and everything they said about me was true. I did have my group of friends, but most days I would try to spend lunches in the library to avoid being attacked by words. It was hard.

 I joined boxing to help with the anger I felt towards those that bullied me and since then I have been able to forgive them.

I hid everything from my parents, but my little sister knew because she heard me. (She never told me until  years later).  The only reason my mother finally found out was because I wrote a note to a friend, and I dropped it in the school hallway. That note was then given to the guidance counselor who called my mother. When I got home from school that day there was an intervention. I still remember sitting on the blue stairs and seeing how worried my mom was. 

After I was diagnosed, I was in therapy every Wednesday at school. There were no treatment centers in my town. There were 4 other girls in my therapy group and we all had an eating disorder. 

Life is hard but we can not judge the trials people experience.

After those many years and being baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have learned so much. Recieving my patriarchal blessing helped a lot and it also talked about my eating disorder and how to cope. Now there are so many resources.
I am a daughter of God.  I know I have overcome that trial with the help of so many and by trying over and over to succeed. Even if my brain felt broken. 

I gained 75 pounds with both of my pregnancies and it didn't bother me. I try to lose it afterwards by eating good foods and if I feel like it, YouTube exercise videos.

 If you are going through that now, don't keep quiet about it. This is not an attention seeking, "how could you do that? Me, I love food", situation. It is much deeper. It is a mental illness and you need help. I want you to live and feel beautiful again.

As for bullying, Dieter F. Uchtdorf counsels us that when it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm—stop it!

What I've learned from that experience:

*An eating disorder is another form of mental illness, not a lifestyle choice.

*Mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you.

*The only opinion that matters is what Heavenly Father thinks of me.

*It can happen to boys or girls, men or women at any age.

*It's not worth it.

*Even if I feel hurtful things are happening out of my control.. not eating hurts worse. 

*Our bodies are a precious gift to take care of.

*I know I am loved and that was a painful part of my past that I will never go back to.

What if I didn't open my mouth? What if I never posted or wrote that note?

Why are we so afraid of opening up about our problems, struggles, or trials? 
Is it fear of judgement? 
Is it hard to be open about our personal life? 
Is it because we think no one wants to hear it?
Is it because we think no one will care?
Is it because of the stigma that surrounds struggles that people face? 
Will people think we are crazy or are seeking attention? 
Or is it all of the above?

My depression hit me one month after giving birth and it came on strong all at once. I hid my struggle with depression from everyone. I was confused, scared of being judged, scared of not having it all together, all of the above, and it almost cost me my life. My intrusive thoughts brought on suicidal thoughts. I decided to try to hold on at least until my 6 week appointment. My doctor noticed I wasn't myself and said I looked awful. The mistake was even waiting that long to get help, but I didn't know what was happening to what I call my broken brain.

Some people have told me to just get over it, or this a new mom thing, don't talk about it, or keep some secrets for yourself. Comments like that are parts of the stigma, why people don't open their mouths and get help. 

My friend Shantelle said, "It's sad to think that other people are in that place right now. They'd rather die than tell anyone".

I went to a support group last week. When I got to share my story I mentioned some things people say to people with mental illness. I brought my journal and wrote down some of the things the women running the group said that helped me. They said, "the 3 most common complications after giving birth are bleeding, infection, and suicide. What if you are not fine? What if you don't make it through? The barrier to communication is false reassurance. So what do we say to people with mental illness? We can say, "yes, you are depressed, but you are a worthy human being." Use the good in a person, not external forces, like how the weather is beautiful so you must feel good today too. Don't try to fix the person. Listen to them, love them, watch their kids, and fold their laundry."

The amount of support you offer to someone will either hinder or speed up any progress involving healing or finding coping strategies.

By the time I got help, I'm sure I was days away from ending it all. I didn't have a plan, but I knew if I didn't open up with my doctor, I wouldn't be here much longer. It's because I want to live that I opened my mouth. How could I let those intrusive uncontrollable, suicidal thoughts that come from nowhere win?! I was suffering. I hope you will get help too when you can't hold it anymore. 
Yes, I know it's easier to say than to do. There would be bad days when I told my husband I'm done.  It's those days he tried extra and tried and tried and tried and never gave up on me.

The day I shared my story, a girl online wrote me and explained how she was having a meltdown, how she thought she was crazy. When she got online she saw and read my post. Then she wrote me telling me she feels a lot of the same things. She hid it for 7 months. She called that day for an appointment to meet with her doctor.

A couple of weeks ago a General Authority came to our Stake Conference at the chapel. There were a couple hundred people there.  As I was sitting there I saw a woman and her husband with their son. As I was sitting there a thought came into my head to write her a note. I wrote that she was a beautiful mother and I talked about my blog a little and asked her not to be offended by my note. I handed it to her as she was going out into the hallway. I waited about 5 minutes, then I went to see her. When she saw me she said, "I just need to hug you. Thank you, I really needed that. I have postpartum depression too!" We cried together and talked about how amazing the Lord is, that out of all the people that was there we ended up meeting. We've never talked before. We spent a little bit of time relating our stories with each other. How similar hers is to mine, except she's been on her medication for about a year. I found another friend.

By opening up we can offer support. 

I believe people care. I believe our Heavenly Father cares and wants us to get help and help others. He wants us to live and not to vote against the preciousness of life by ending it.

There is help!