Thursday, December 1, 2016

Eating Disorder Survivor: Another form of Mental Illness.

Two weeks ago I was up at 5am which is too early for me. I couldn't stop thinking and finally I gave up on sleep and got out of bed. "Okay, Heavenly Father you got me up. I'll go write my thoughts down."

My blog is a place to open up without being judged. Currently I am writing about my journey now as I go through postpartum depression. This post is about another mental illness I had to deal with. It's taken me two weeks to finally post it. Someone told me maybe I should keep it to myself, so I knew I had to share. There is always a stigma surrounding any mental illness, which needs to stop.


"Eating disorders are not a lifestyle choice. Eating disorders are actually real, complex medical and psychiatric illnesses that can have serious consequences for health, productivity and relationships." - National Institute of Mental Health
                                                   Eating Disorders are another form of mental illness, not a choice

I am an eating disorder survivor.  I can say that now because I've learned that hiding doesn't help anyone who may be going through it. 

At 13 years old I developed an eating disorder and I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa with anorexia nervosa tendencies.  Like intrusive thoughts with depression, eating disorders also come with their own set of intrusive thoughts about weight gain, being fat or unfit. This causes a great amount of anxiety and compulsions like exercising, restricting, or vomiting which seem to reduce that anxiety. 

Intrusive thoughts come in having this mental illness. They are uncontrollable and learning how to turn that thought into the real truth, is hard.  When you eat anything(even an egg), your intrusive thoughts tell you that you're going to gain 5 pounds from that. Then you start to feel guilty and look for ways to get rid of that food you ate!  It's not possible to gain 5 pounds from an egg, but your brain doesn't let you see the truth. It's an awful cycle. 

This was a trial that would take me 7 years to recover from. I didn't see my body as anything beautiful. If I wasn't making myself sick after every meal I was barely eating at all. My body felt awful. It was suffering. How awful to think of that now! I didn't have very much energy. Not having the proper nutrients and food in my body naturally made me more impatient, especially with my mom. 

 I joined boxing to help with the anger I felt towards those that bullied me and since then I have been able to forgive them.

I hid everything from my parents, but my little sister knew because she heard me. (She never told me until  years later).  The only reason my mother finally found out was because I wrote a note to a friend, and I dropped it in the school hallway. That note was then given to the guidance counselor who called my mother. When I got home from school that day there was an intervention. I still remember sitting on the blue stairs and seeing how worried my mom was. 


After I was diagnosed, I was in therapy every Wednesday at school. There were no treatment centers in my town. There were 4 other girls in my therapy group and we all had an eating disorder. 

Life is hard but we can not judge the trials people experience.

After those many years and being baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have learned so much. Recieving my patriarchal blessing helped a lot and it also talked about my eating disorder and how to cope. Now there are so many resources.
I am a daughter of God.  I know I have overcome that trial with the help of so many and by trying over and over to succeed. Even if my brain felt broken. 


I gained 75 pounds with both of my pregnancies and it didn't bother me. I try to lose it afterwards by eating good foods and if I feel like it, YouTube exercise videos.

 If you are going through that now, don't keep quiet about it. This is not an attention seeking, "how could you do that? Me, I love food", situation. It is much deeper. It is a mental illness and you need help. I want you to live and feel beautiful again.


As for bullying, Dieter F. Uchtdorf counsels us that when it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm—stop it!



What I've learned from that experience:


*An eating disorder is another form of mental illness, not a lifestyle choice.
*Mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you.
*The only opinion that matters is what Heavenly Father thinks of me.
*It can happen to boys or girls, men or women at any age.
*It's not worth it.
*Even if I feel hurtful things are happening out of my control.. not eating hurts worse
*Our bodies are a precious gift to take care of.
*I know I am loved and that was a painful part of my past that I will never go back to.






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