Monday and Tuesday this week were my first rough days since the medication kicked in about 2.5 weeks ago. I didn't even know that was possible on medication. (Don't let that discourage you from getting help! It really helps with the crying and other PPD side effects) Oh, the things I am learning!
I woke up with my toddler who decided breakfast was going to be very early. We did some painting and we let daddy sleep in because he woke up to feed the baby. Around 10:30am, I suddenly felt like I was crashing. That is my word for describing that feeling in your chest when your heart feels like it weighs a ton and it's only dangling there by a thread. I always feel like I need to lay down when this happens.
Everyone was awake at this time, so I went to bed and layed down. If there was a trigger I don't know what it was. I am still learning my triggers. I felt like I was starting to drown and when I was about to start crying for no apparent reason, my husband came in the room. I told him he didn't understand and I just wanted to be left alone. I was irritable. But from experience, he doesn't let me just lay there to drown in my emotions.
He gathered the children and tried to have a little party on the bed. They were singing and making the baby dance and laugh. They jumped around and then our toddler came beside me and caressed my face. But I just couldn't smile. Oh, depression is evil what it does to you. It numbs out any feelings of love. My husband just couldn't give up. He did this for about an hour! Then he put the baby and our toddlers face against his as if he was going to take a picture and said, "honey, look at your family". As I looked at them I saw they loved me. The baby with her huge eyes, daddy with his concerned but loving eyes, and our toddler with her lets sing and dance every second of the day eyes. So I rolled over and watched them. I started feeling better.
The rest of the day was okay, but I was still feeling like a ball of emotions.
I don't know how my husband does it sometimes, but I do know that he loves our family. He always helps out, but as I am trying to count my blessings right now I see he did the laundry, all the bottles, all the baby feedings yesterday, swept the floors, tidied up, put the laundry out to dry, and entertained the children. The crock pot has also been working overtime and sometimes friends of ours bring us meals.
Everyone was awake at this time, so I went to bed and layed down. If there was a trigger I don't know what it was. I am still learning my triggers. I felt like I was starting to drown and when I was about to start crying for no apparent reason, my husband came in the room. I told him he didn't understand and I just wanted to be left alone. I was irritable. But from experience, he doesn't let me just lay there to drown in my emotions.
He gathered the children and tried to have a little party on the bed. They were singing and making the baby dance and laugh. They jumped around and then our toddler came beside me and caressed my face. But I just couldn't smile. Oh, depression is evil what it does to you. It numbs out any feelings of love. My husband just couldn't give up. He did this for about an hour! Then he put the baby and our toddlers face against his as if he was going to take a picture and said, "honey, look at your family". As I looked at them I saw they loved me. The baby with her huge eyes, daddy with his concerned but loving eyes, and our toddler with her lets sing and dance every second of the day eyes. So I rolled over and watched them. I started feeling better.
The rest of the day was okay, but I was still feeling like a ball of emotions.
I don't know how my husband does it sometimes, but I do know that he loves our family. He always helps out, but as I am trying to count my blessings right now I see he did the laundry, all the bottles, all the baby feedings yesterday, swept the floors, tidied up, put the laundry out to dry, and entertained the children. The crock pot has also been working overtime and sometimes friends of ours bring us meals.
Before bed we talked and he reminded me how much he loves me and that he would take care of the baby so I can rest.
Heavenly Father blessed me with a good man and amazing friends and family.
I am thankful for this trial. It is teaching me empathy for others who struggle too. It is teaching me how precious life is, even if some days I don't feel that it is precious. Deep down I know it is but sometimes the depression puts up that wall between me and the good around me. Joy exists because Jesus Christ exists.
On good days I feel peace.
I am thankful for this trial. It is teaching me empathy for others who struggle too. It is teaching me how precious life is, even if some days I don't feel that it is precious. Deep down I know it is but sometimes the depression puts up that wall between me and the good around me. Joy exists because Jesus Christ exists.
On good days I feel peace.
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